Any hope I ever had to be the calm, cool, collected mom, the "how does she do it?" mom of three kids (and just to be clear, that hope was always very, very faint), were obliterated today when we went to pick Joe up from school. On this 38C degree day, Henry, Annie, and I huddled together in the little patch of shade alongside the fence of the playground, standing opposite all the other moms waiting to pick up their little kindergarteners. And as we waited, with Annie on my hip and Henry holding my hand, I smelled... something. I looked down at Henry but, apart from his red, sweaty head, he seemed okay. I readjusted Annie on my hip to take a whiff and that's when I felt it - not smelled it but felt it. A poop explosion that had bust out of her diaper, now on my hand, smeared on the lower half of my shirt, and dripping down my shorts and onto my leg. Did you hear what I said? POOP WAS DRIPPING DOWN MY LEG!
"Oh!" I exclaimed. "Oh goodness!" And, realizing I was attracting the attention of the line-up of moms across from me, I added, "Oh, pardon me!" (which I immediately realized was a terrible thing to say... if I was asking for pardon, maybe they thought I was the one who pooped! Oh my!). I think I blurted out a request for baby wipes? Mine are in the van... all the way across the parking lot... help? Anyone? I was greeted with blank stares. Little concern. Maybe some disgust. Not much camaraderie or "Oh, yes, I've been there, with poop running down my leg. I'll help you out." Just STARING.
Finally, someone offered up three teeny tiny baby wipes and I tried scooping up the biggest blobs of poop, all the while repeating, "Oh Annie, you silly baby! You messy baby!" just to hammer down the point that THIS IS MY BABY'S POOP RUNNING DOWN MY LEG. When I had gathered up all I could, I stood up, poopy wipes in one hand, baby in the other, apologizing to Henry that I can't hold your hand anymore, mine is too poopy, and looked up to see all the moms still staring... so I made it better by saying, "So glad to be getting to know you all. I'm the poopy mom!"
That did not make it better.
Argh! Panic! Where is Joe?! Why can't they just let him out of school already?! I need to run away!!!
Finally, Joe emerges and with a smooch (no hug, Joe, so sorry, my hands are all poopy) we beat it to the van as fast as we can. The tires may have squealed on our way out of the parking lot.
I used to think I was not easily embarrassed. But no - the truth is I just avoid putting myself into embarrassing situations. Because, turns out, I AM VERY EMBARRASSED. So embarrassed. Joe may have to transfer schools. Or, at the very least, Annie is going to be wearing a plastic bag on her lower half.
The end.