1. Assemble your ingredients and helpers. Realize you should probably have everyone wash hands before starting. Take everyone to the bathroom. Examine foreign substance on bathroom hand towel. Recognize that it's poop. Question WHY IS THERE POOP ON THE HAND TOWEL? Toss hand towel in laundry. Grab new one. Finish washing hands. Gather back at kitchen table. Why did step one take so long?
2. Flour. Salt. Shortening. Let Annie use the horseshoe to blend it all together. (Actually, it's a pastry blender but you already know not to argue with a two-year-old about such things. Really helps cut down on the duration of step #2.)
7. Fill your pie shell with whatever apples you have remaining after having left your pre-schoolers unsupervised with a pile of apple slices.
And there you go. You made pie. Your kids made a mess. Everyone had fun. And we got pie. Tutorial complete.